Title: The Birds Plus the Team
Character: Jason Todd, Dick Grayson, Tim Drake, Damian Wayne, and the Team.
Summary: Over tea, the Team and the Robins discuss how Damian was an accident, Jason’s underage drinking problem, and Jason’s attempts to corrupt the “mini-Grayson”.
A/N: Excuse Jason’s angst.
“Grayson, I do not see how having tea is going to help us get out of this infuriating world,” Damian grumbled reaching for his ever-hidden knife. Maybe today would be the day that he would decapitate the rest of his family because of their annoyances on his life.
Jason Todd wasn’t happy, which isn’t saying much. He’s never happy. He’s Jason Todd, being happy would cause something like…maybe a wormhole that sent them there. He just wishes that the Justice League wouldn’t house them at this base. There were too many little kids here. The worst of them being little golden boy Grayson and his two pets, Blondie that he slept with and the fastest dipshit alive. The three of them seemed to hang around the Robins the most because they absolutely wanted to torture them—or Grayson was just being chatty with them the most.
“Oh please, lil’ D. Tea helps clear the thoughts, and maybe Tim will think of a way home,” Dick said ruffling Damian’s hair. Jason should make sure he has all of his guns cause it looks like Damian is about to jump about everyone in the room.
Tim perked up form his computer that he stole from the second—and almost as annoying as the original—Grayson. “Why do I have to find a way home?”
“Because…you’re the only one who is smart enough to do anything about it,” Grayson explained taking another sip of his tea.
Jason was suddenly wondering if he could cut his tea with alcohol. Maybe he could just pass out and not have to deal with the other Robins for the rest of the duration in this dimension. “Where’s some alcohol? I’d rather be passed out drunk than have to listen to all of you bitch and moan.”
Grayson raised an eyebrow, “How old are you?”
“Why would it matter?”
“Cause you were like six years younger than me before making you twenty. Then you went in the Lazarus pit and that de-aged you even more, so you were probably like sixteen or something. With all of that you can’t be older than eighteen,” Grayson explained.
“And the point of that was…?”
“You can’t have alcohol.”
Drake finally looked up, “Wait, Jason and I are…like…almost the same age?”
Jason cut a glare between both of them, “I’m twenty-one.”
Grayson then smiled, “Aw, baby Jason!”
“If you touch me in any way I will take out the Dick part of your name, if you understand what I mean.”
“Are you guys seriously all brothers?” Wally asked.
“We’re not brothers,” Drake and Damian answered at the same time.
“Grayson is the only tolerable brother when he is not trying to molest me with cuddles,” Damian said.
“Dick’s cool when he shuts up,” Tim said.
Grayson smirked at the group around the kitchen counter. “What about you Jason? Are you on the Dick-love-train?”
I’d rather blow it up with a bomb.
“I prefer the Replacement over your chatty ass,” Jason replied taking another sip of his tea.
Grayson raised an eyebrow, “You like Tim?”
“We had a talk,” Jason shrugged.
“But you tried to kill Tim.”
“Dick, he was murdered, he came back to life, he was mad. I get it, it happens,” Tim explained.
“You talked to him after he tried to kill you?”
Jason rolled his eyes, “Grayson, I tried to kill you numerous times. I stripped you and Damian naked and tied you to a pole and was going to expose the identities of Batman and Robin to the whole world, and right now we are talking.”
“You stripped Batman and Robin and tied them to a pole…?” the blondie started.
“Kinky,” Wally snorted. Jason raised an eyebrow like, You really wanna imply that?
All the boys looked up—Zantanna was a quite nice thing to look at after all. What they were met with was a little—well like fourteen year-old—girl. All the boys shared a look. “You’re Zantanna?”
She looked at the four guys sitting at the counter and then mini-Grayson. “Who are they?”
“I slept with her too,” Jason said before the mini-Grayson could answer.
“Have you slept with the entire League?” Tim snorted, trying to ignore them all and work on his baby—uh, computer.
Jason shrugged. “Its not that hard,” Grayson added.
“Wait, she’s seriously Zantanna?”
“Well, fuck this. Batman’s a pedophile in this universe.”
The four teenagers sent them a confused—and slightly scared—look.
Grayson rolled his eyes, “In our world, Zantanna and Batman are…”
“Fuck buddies,” Jason supplied.
“Jason! They date on and off, but since you’re like eleven that obviously—or at least I hope—doesn’t happen,” Grayson muttered, digging himself a nice hole.
The kids almost looked sick. “You mean…?”
“Batman is a pedo in this universe.”
“And we thought our world was messed up.”
“Wait, so who are these guys?” Zantanna cleared her throat, obviously looking disgusted.
Jason threw his head down as Grayson went into a long rant about who they were and all that shit. He never shuts up. Ever. “Grayson, stop talking just to hear your own voice.”
Grayson rolled his eyes, “I was explaining something to the pretty lady.”
“Jaybird, not in front of the kids.”
Jason lifted his head from the counter. “Jaybird? Harper was very gracious that I didn’t rip his throat out. You should be very cautious, Dickie-bird. I’m not afraid of plucking your dumbass wings.”
“Technically, Tim is the one with the wings.”
“Don’t bring me into this.”
“Hey, all for one and one for all, right? If Jason kills me then you get to die too. That’s what family’s for, right?” Grayson smiled at Drake. Drake just gave him an insufferable look and went back to his computer working.
“Todd, I think we all have established Drake’s newfound desire to be a Vegas show girl.”
“Damian, shut it.”
“We all know that you have a feathers fetish,” Jason teased.
“Jay, leave Timmy alone. He’s trying to find us a way home.”
Jason suddenly smirked, “Okay, I think I will pick on a different little brother.” Without warning, Jason jumped over the counter and grabbed mini-Grayson by the cape and lifted him off of his feet. The mini-Grayson twisted around trying to undo his cape, but couldn’t reach the clasp.
Grayson’s eyes widened, “Put me down!”
“Huh, Timmy. What if I were to kill mini-Grayson? Would that kill our Grayson too?” Jason smirked while the mini-Grayson tried to kick him, but his legs were just a bit too short.
Tim smirked, “You know, I don’t know. I don’t think it would do anything, but it would be an awesome paradox if something did happen.”
“We could justify killing him by saying it was for the scientific method.”
“Guys,” Grayson whined, “I don’t like paradoxes!”
“You know if Dick had died when he was Robin, Batman probably wouldn’t have taken on another Robin after that, which means…” Tim mused.
“I would have still been an orphan…on the streets.”
“I would have been rich…with my family.”
“I would have been leader of the Shadows,” Damian beamed.
Jason shook his head, “Not so fast. There’s a good chance that Bats would have gotten himself killed from how pissed he would be about Golden Boy dying.”
Drake laughed, “Like after Jason died. Batman was a mess and nearly got himself killed every other mission. He would have died without me, thus, you wouldn’t exist.”
“Tt. That’s debatable,” Damian snorted.
“Deal with it, you were a mistake, an accident,” Jason emphasized.
“No I was not! Father and Mother were very pleased with me!”
“If Bats knew he was having a kid, he would have gotten rid of you the first chance he got.”
“Jay, you do realize that you were an accident too,” Grayson pointed out.
“I don’t care. My family’s dead. I’m pretty sure the only one that wasn’t an accident was Drake.”
“You do realize you’re implying that I was an accident,” Grayson said.
Jason smirked, “Please. You were probably the result of a giant circus orgy.”
The face on both the Graysons’ faces were absolutely priceless—especially the mini-Grayson. “Stop!” the older Grayson shouted, “You’re corrupting little-me!”
Jason snorted, “You know what? I think I’m going to be spending a lot more time with my new favorite younger brother.” Jason shook mini-Grayson a bit—he was still holding him by the scruff of his cape. Jason started walking off. “Hey kid, are you good with guns?”
Grayson leaped over the counter to follow Jason, “Let little-me go! He doesn’t need to learn about guns. Guns are bad! Jason! Jason! Fuck you, Jason! Don’t corrupt me! Do not take that cigarette! You will die of lung cancer. That is no way for a hero to go! Jason!”
Artemis turned her attention back to the two Robins that were currently at the counter, “Are they always like this?”
Drake shook his head, “Nah. Jason just found a way to get under Dick’s skin, and he’s going to exploit it.”
“Richard! That was an innuendo, do not fall for it, me! Jason! Do not tell him what you, Kory, and Roy like to do!”